Hard Time

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Sigh..
I guess it's time to write out the harsh feelings in my heart..
I don't know where to start writing..
It seems like I've never really wrote anything about love over here..

Many people seem to know about the break-up though I didn't tell many about this..
N I'm sure for the people that I told..They wont spread my stuff around..
Whatever ler..Soon or later the rest will know..
I jz dislike people come ask about it..
Cz I dont know what to say..
Perhaps, I'll jz be able to confess to those I'm closer with n feel secure to talk with..
But, it's really hard to talk through voices..
I felt so hard to type out..So dont mention about talking it face to face..

Everyone jz feels shocked about it..
Did it happen all in a sudden?
I dont know..But I've been thinking about this for 2 weeks..
After coming back from the Genting trip especially, I've been thinking a lot..Real lots..
I feel like there are many things in him that I couldnt tolerate with..
His thinking..His attitude..His behavior..His talking..His way of life..
I knew clearly that he treated me well..very very well..
But sometimes, I jz couldnt endure his action..
Other people might think that he is funny, entertaining..But I dont feel the same way..
I was unhappy n even angry about his fooling action..Somehow feel ashamed about it..
If u r his coursemates or frens, u would know what I mean n how the situation looks like..
At least when I was venting the frustration to my frens..They said they understand how i feel..
If u r not..N u couldnt imagine it..That's alright..Jz forget abt it!
Sometimes, I really couldnt bear with his mindset..
Perhaps my fren was right..This is his nature..He has been brought up n taught to be the way he is now since small..so I can't blame him for how he acts today
There is no way for me to change him in jz a few months time..So I can either to accept some part of it and hope he'll change for the better or to reconsider abt this relationship..
Nobody is perfect!
I know clearly about this..But i jz hope that he will be my Mr. Perfect jz like what I alwiz dream of..
I'm indeed hoping too much..

It is difficult for two people to be together..The most basic one is to have special feelings bond between that two very ppl..Even they have the same interest,same mindset,but they're still two different ppl from different education backgrounds n living environment..
Hence, toleration plays a very important role in this..
N I admit that..I failed in this matter..
It needs a lot of time n effort to understand one another..to maintain the relationship..
I'm asking too much..Hoping too much from him..
I get disappointed whenever he repeated his mistakes..
Though it's jz some small matters which occured before, I get frustrated with his behaviour easily..
Everything he had done jz seemed not right in my eyes..
Ended up..I kept on ignore him rather than to angry..
Even he didnt do anything wrongly, I also ignore him..
I was getting more n more over..
This is not the way a couple should be like..
I knew he suffered..N so do I..
When a guy breaks down n cry..It means that he is very hurt..
I shouldnt be hurting him..He is so innocent..
I felt like my feelings towards him started to fade day by day..
Somehow, I jz couldnt hate him n so I began to turn to hate myself..
I hate myself for hurting him so much..but I jz pretended like nothing's wrong..
At last, I couldnt tahan myself for being so selfish..being such a bad gf..treating him in such a terrible way..
I thought I've made my mind clear enough to decide on the irretrievable decision..
With all the courage I have, I jz blurted out my decision..
I cant stop crying after that..
My heart was so painful..More painful than I thought..


The next two days, he tried to save this relationship..
But I jz ignore it completely..I jz stand firm with my stance..
How mean I am..
Sigh..I didnt really consider abt what he say..
Cz I felt like he doesnt deserve the 2nd chance as I've given him a lot..
3 days after that, he seemed pretty well in his mood..
He can joke, talk, sing like he used to do..
As if there's nothing happen to him..
I actually could not accept the fact that he is recovering faster than me..
I thought that it wont be that hurting for me as I was the one that initiate it..
But somehow..It's jz the other way round..


Before separated, my mind jz full with everything I dislike about him..
After separated, all the sweet memories kept floating in my mind..
Every night, I only managed to sleep after a long cry..
Slept for 2 or 3 hours n is time to wake up n go to college..
I was very tired..But I still couldnt let it go..
My friend said that I was too serious in love..N that made me couldnt let go..
Love is not everything..Love shouldnt be dominant in life..
But..It is not what I can decide on..It comes to dominate my mind itself..
I've so many free hours at college this week..
N I jz couldnt think of what to do..where to go..who to join..
So I trapped myself in the library..trying to do some maths or revision..
But I jz cant get rid of the feelings..
I felt like I'm so lonely..jz all alone..
N I jz realise that..I've let someone that accompany me all the while walk away in my life myself..
I thought I will live on well without him..
But I was jz so so wrong..
I was so dependant on him..depend almost everything on him..
I know clearly that there is no way that who cannot live without who..
But..I'm experiencing this..
I feel so helpless..I'm so scared..
When he's around, I felt so uneasy..
I kept avoiding him in college the whole week..
I was like got the instinct knowing that he would be at somewhere..N I was right..So I had to walk away by using other path..
I jz cannot face him..I dont know how to face him..
I'm afraid to know that..I still......
I'm afraid that..I cannot control my tears when meeting him..
I'm really contradicting..
When I cry alone at home at night, I really wish that I can jz hide in his hug..Cry as long as I can..But in reality..I would never have the chance to stay in his heart anymore..
When he tried to reconcile the relationship, I jz shut him out of my way..
I dont know what was on my mind that time..
I jz think that I shouldnt be so soft hearted or what so ever..
On the other hand, I'm jz afraid to admit that I need him badly..
I admit that I'm too impulsive when making that decision..

All the Memories kept haunting me..
I still need to cry for how many nights?

Many told me that what I need is time..To heal the pain..
Everything will be fine in few days..weeks..months..
Try to occupy myself with other stuff..
Dont allow myself have the time to think so much..
When feel like crying..Jz cry..Crying can release the stress n pain..
Let this to be the period to recall all the memories that we have gone through..
Try to move my attention to something else..Eg-Change my priority to studies..
Mix with more people..Talk to people..Open up ur heart..
Etc Etc..
I'm trying hard to follow what u guys tell me..
I know it takes time..I know I gonna be okay..But not so soon..
Give me sometime..
I need to overcome the feeling in myself..Not to avoid him..This is the major thing..
I also hope that I can be like the others..who manage to 'Zai4 jian4 yi ran2 shi4 peng2 you3'..
Thanks to those who care n concern abt me..
Who are willing to lend me their ears to listen to me..
Who give me advice n ask me to be strong..
Sincerely thx a lot to Seong Ling, Hun Hao, Kyloon, Phooi Sin, Zi Xiang, Zyang etc..
A big thank you to the one who accompany me, help me, take care n love me for 5++ months..
After raining, there gonna be a nice rainbow across the sky..'yu3 hou4 cai3 hong2'

I believe that I jz need a little more effort..struggle through this period of time..N I'll be alright..

I'm unsure of what I have done is right or wrong..
I dont wanna think about it anymore..
Before this, I kept thinking of what I really want..
Now..I guess I know what is it..But is too late..
Even if it's wrong..Even I feel regret..Every that has been done cannot be undone..
After going through some hard times, the good one will come to me soon..
Yea..I jz have to believe in myself..
Can I?
Is this what I really hope for?
I don't know..
It is left unknown..